I took the train all by myself to the airport, hoping to be as near as possible to the departure point of the country; to be near another country - maybe Melbourne, maybe elsewhere, I don't know.
I refused to listen to my usual podcasts, so I wouldn't be listening to other voices, and forced myself to listen to my own voice. I desperately needed to listen to my heart's cry. It has been whimpering all along for many months now, and I have simply ignored it, by getting myself busy with other things and listening to various podcasts. I have stopped listening to music because I wanted to gain knowledge, not just melody and relaxation. After months of ignoring the whimpers of my heart, I think it just broke. You know how sometimes when you break, but you just can't cry? The tears just won't flow, and you just purse your lips, refuse to speak to anyone and nurse your heart break.
I walked the length of the airport to look at the departure flights to various cities of the world, and wonder why I can't be on one of those flights.
Reaching the end of the airport, I sat down to write. As I do, I realised I have stopped empathising with people in worse plight than mine - people earning less in harsher and more hostile environment, working in less rewarding and fulfilling jobs. I have taken my eyes off them and looked in to myself instead and seen a deeper hole, a darker black.
I am jaded and burnt. I have lost my axe head and purpose. Like a chess player cornered at a game, I don't know which next move to make.
As I walked the airport once more, looking at the various departure flights, I thought:
What if I go to the most beautiful place on earth but have not friends?
What if I behold the most glorious sight and have not love?
That was when I decided to go home. I found my feet hurrying back to my husband and family - familiarity that is my solid foundation.
I refused to listen to my usual podcasts, so I wouldn't be listening to other voices, and forced myself to listen to my own voice. I desperately needed to listen to my heart's cry. It has been whimpering all along for many months now, and I have simply ignored it, by getting myself busy with other things and listening to various podcasts. I have stopped listening to music because I wanted to gain knowledge, not just melody and relaxation. After months of ignoring the whimpers of my heart, I think it just broke. You know how sometimes when you break, but you just can't cry? The tears just won't flow, and you just purse your lips, refuse to speak to anyone and nurse your heart break.
I walked the length of the airport to look at the departure flights to various cities of the world, and wonder why I can't be on one of those flights.
Reaching the end of the airport, I sat down to write. As I do, I realised I have stopped empathising with people in worse plight than mine - people earning less in harsher and more hostile environment, working in less rewarding and fulfilling jobs. I have taken my eyes off them and looked in to myself instead and seen a deeper hole, a darker black.
I am jaded and burnt. I have lost my axe head and purpose. Like a chess player cornered at a game, I don't know which next move to make.
As I walked the airport once more, looking at the various departure flights, I thought:
What if I go to the most beautiful place on earth but have not friends?
What if I behold the most glorious sight and have not love?
That was when I decided to go home. I found my feet hurrying back to my husband and family - familiarity that is my solid foundation.
1 comment:
Larling you have nailed it in this post. I find that to be so true myself. All the world's knowledge and wisdom at our disposal wouldn't fill the void that created by the longing of our souls.
We should plan regular walking trips to the airport in our schedules! :)
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