Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Take Away My Pain

Much pain. Loneliness. Loss of vision. Lack of work. Fear of going home. Fear of over-dependance on a man to fulfil my needs and desire for intelligent partnership and quality companionship. Pride that swells up in retaliation and self-defence.

My God, can you hear me? Can you take away this pain?

I walk away from him because I don't know how to handle my disappointment and pain. I was in pain and I needed to cry.

It tears me apart to know how vulnerable I am - that I am so utterly fragile - like china in his hands.

God, please tell me why am I so fragile, why do I cry so much, why do I hurt so bad.

I've had so much pain, heartache, loneliness, rejection, abandonment that I live the many years after seeking hard to protect myself against similar pain. I wouldn't even allow myself a single moment of misery. I shun and shudder at the approaching or croaching familiarity of loneliness, rejection and pain - and counter-react violently involuntarily. I had to fight to keep sane. I had to counter-react with aggression in a desperate futile attempt to protect this bleeding heart. Have I not God I'd have collapsed into the dreary dungeon of despair and possibly depression.

Not tragic enough for suicide because I try hard to look around me and see so many who are in worsed-off states. The abandoned, lonely, roaming and penniless elderly. The mentally retarded, shunned and looked upon with a mixture of pity and disdain. The young mother left to care for her child, helpless with no support from the run-away man.

So much pain, heartache, misery and grief - who could possibly bear? But these disadvantaged ones move on. They survive their pain.

What right do I have to give up? So what if I have a limp? I can still walk on, can't I?

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